Tapping, the Real therapy, the Real Way

Are you struggling with anger,  addictions  to funerals,  non-reusable shopping bag shame ?  You need tapping.  Forget those mealy mouth tap-dance tap therapists.  Get the real thing and the real tap.  Will cure  emotional, physical,  and  metaphysical issues.  It's fast, it's cheap, it's non-invasive, and it's guaranteed!

Dial-O-Sign! Get the sign you deserve! Astro-Roulette

Don't like your sign?  You don't like today's horoscope?  You can change it with the ASTRO-ROULETTE!

Browse the other horoscopes for that day,  pick the one you want, and dial yourself that sign.  

OR

Roll a surprise sign/horoscope!

Adventure!  Purchase our special hand sculpted and crafted surgical grade (boule)  marble then the fun begins!  Carefully place your artisanal hand crafted Dial-O-Sign Astro-Roullette  on your head.   Toss that boule, spin your Astro-Roulette, get a new sign, new horoscope  and the fun begins.   

Q and A

Q:    My sign is Libra and I see that my horoscope predicts that I will loose my boyfriend, job, apartment,  and I will break my leg while trying to jump off a bridge.  I see that Gemini has a prediction of new job, big inheritance, and 2000 new FB friends.  I want Gemini, and NOW.

A.  Congratulate yourself for being in the right place.  

1.  Carefully place your artisanal hand crafted Dial-O-Sign on your head along with your tachion protector.  

2.  Pointer 1 on Gemini.  

3.  Pointer 2 on synastry Pluto/Mars. 

4.  Face the East.  

5.  Chant the Star Spangled Banner backwards

There you have it!  New sign and new horoscope!

Q:  I see that the horoscope of a certain skanky female I know is much better than she deserves.  What can I do to ensure that justice be accomplished?

A:  Once again, you are in the right place.  Purchase one of our life-like "Wish it Were You" dolls to represent this individual.  Mount it in the middle of your astro-roulette wheel.  Follow the above directions, knowing that the sign change will be directed at the intended person!

Homeopathy, absorb 10017% more energy!!! At a fraction of the cost of Homeopathy!

Everyone,  even you,  knows that Homeopathy  harnesses the energy of the universe for healing.    

                                           

                                                       E = mc. 2  

Why not suck in that energy all the time?  Bathe yourself  with everything  in the universe from herbs to ozone!  Cure ALL maladies from Alien Hand Syndrome to congenital cranial amputation.  

Tachions to the Rescue

Tachyon protectors

Are you afraid of electricity,   EMF's, parking meters , gas, running water, beer on tap???  Do you think Tesla  is a car???    Your  last  science  class was in middle school?     You need help!  Tachyon protector to the rescue!  This little device looks like a tiny  75 cent pill bottle, but oh no!  This little bomb shell contains enough tachyons to protect you, your cat, and your kirilian aura!  

Imagine!   A field of tachyons  positioned around you like a field of corn, nursing and protecting you.  Put it on,  stuff it in your ear (for more complete protection), and feel SAFE.

Only 75 cents at your local hardware store, or $295 on line.

Aromatizer

Do you suffer from  EMF pollution, stress, knotty grey belly fat, boils, chronic fatigue, bad breath, demonic fits, and general malaise??

You need aroma therapy in all of it's forms:  skin flush, inhalation, and ingestion.  Yes!  All three forms, drink it, breathe it, and feel it ooze down your skin  .Just add your favorite essential oils or medicinal brandy!  It's attractive, It's functional.  It's for you!

BE GONE SPIRITUAL HITCHHIKERS! WELCOME KIRLIAN AURA

Tired of those nasty spiritual hitchhikers???  Nasty demons tagging along like a sled loaded with 6 foot long zucchini???  With our proprietary 52 volt battery (tucked under the stylish scarf)  and 
our  smudge-grade sage as a smoke, you can be FREEEEE!  See below our surgical grade 52 volt battery, and our surgical grade smudge-joints!

Convenient, comfortable, easily hidden under a scarf or hat.  The  52 volt battery.
Below Our famous Smudgie Cleansing Joints.

Angels to Protect You

You've got your back (and everything else) covered with angels!!

Healing Hands! Oh!!

Science tells us that the healing hands are a proven  therapeutic benefit.  We know that the healing hands  remove stress, belly fat, worry, insomnia, fleas, dandruff.  They massage you, they reach down into your chakras,  find  uncharted chakras!   

Note:  When you  arrive at a state of bliss, please ,  PLEASE!   NO culinary pursuits with  possum strogonoff,  raccon paprika, etc.  

Acupuncture breakthrough!! Acucactu!!

You need acupuncture 24/7.  It's getting so hard to 

                 BEG,  BORROW, STEAL ENOUGH
money for just "one more treatment".  Here it is!  Acupuncture 24/7!

Get it Now! Get it Fast!! the third EYE (or ear!)

Third Eye: 

Get a real third eye.   Find your higher consciousness.       See into the future,  your neighbors bedroom, etc!  Have visions better than anything on Youtube!     The third eye ocular device consists of german hand ground lens mounted on industrial surgically ground gears.  Rotates 383 degrees.  Can penetrate clothing, standard housing, and shower stalls.

And for those of you have been asking,  THE THIRD EAR!!!!!  Hear voices available only to you.  Hear the cosmos, your micro flora, your neighbors fights.  All yours for $399.99

You Can Have It All AND GO GREEN

Yes!  Friends you can have it all.  Be a world traveller, eat WHATEVER you want, buy ALL you want, and all while going green.  How you ask???  check out our handy portable composter.  Complete with composting worms.  And they work 24/7 wherever you go.

Prosperity

God wants to shower you with financial blessings  but you need to help!  First, start dreaming of all you want: swimming pool, designer clothes, big house, fancy trips, etc.  Next, join a faith.  But, caution -keep your eyes on your bank account, not  the pulpit!  Find a denomination with plenty  of  wealthy church-goers and a solid no-tithing policy.     Then adopt our “come hither prosperity” hairstyle and prosperity is  as good as in the bank!   Increase and speed up delivery of your new abundant blessings! For testimonials please contact  Reverend Thurland  Swit at our district headquarters.

The Life Coach

Hi!!! My name is “Fire-Lights-The-Way, and I am THE life coach. Want a Life Coach, but don't know where to start???  Sign up for “Find-me-a-coach”.  A small monthly fee ($13.59),  and I'll find you the Life Coach for you. Name your needs: Facebook Friend support, relationship counseling, the search for the meaning of life??? I'll find that counsellor you deserve!!! OR, make the plunge!!! Become a Life Coach yourself and bring in the bucks! Sign up for my life-coach course. Sixteen  hours and you are a certified hand-crafted “Flax Life Coach”. All  for only $859, plus food and lodging. OR ...convince 8 people to take the course, and get your tuition for free!

Man Raptured! Saran Wrap Sure Proven To Work!

End of the World Rapture!!!! One man raptured! Dedric Tweedlepipe, a domicile-less man, spent his last $2.75 on the hairstyle “Saran Wrap Sure” on May 20. On May 21, the expected rapture date, Mr. Tweedlepipe was the only known success. Mr. Tweedlepipe sent us this picture as proof. The location of the rapture is unknown.
(See September 2, 2010 post below)

Breaking News Flash - An Amazing Discovery!

A homeless man, Dedric Tweedlepipe, recently noticed a bag that emitted a lime green glow.   Anxious to see if the bag contained anything that Dedric could eat or sell, he ripped the bag open. Inside was a head of garlic with the precise image of Iris Flax, the ultra-famous guru of Hairstyles that Heal.